Comforting the Brothers Pt. 01

Comforting the Brothers (Part One)

This is a two-part story about a transgendered (mtf) firefighter. It will be cover, both her journey to realizing who she is, and how she and other firefighters deal with a tragedy.

My Lyft driver kept glancing in his rearview mirror at me. I used to get very self-conscience when that happened, now I understood it to be more of a compliment. I wanted to take a quick peak at my makeup, but I wasn't sure I wanted to draw his attention any more than I already had. My vanity eventually won out and I opened my purse and pulled out a compact mirror. My eye makeup had held up well, but I couldn't resist adding just a touch more mascara. I then touched up my lip stick a little.

"I can't believe you are actually a fireman; you are way too pretty to be a fireman" my driver commented looking back in the mirror. "Don't you worry about breaking one of those gorgeous nails, sweetie?"

I laughed a little on the inside, he had managed to call me a fireman and sweetie almost at the same time. I honestly didn't mind either one, I was glad he had noticed my nails, I had spent money to have small French tip acrylic extensions, with a light shading of pink, so they would look good.

"I try to be careful but thanks for noticing them." I was putting my stuff back into my purse and not looking at him when I spoke. I still got some strange looks when I talked although that was happening less, and I was really working on making my voice match my appearance.

"Here we are beautiful. Really sorry for what all of you are going through and your loss." He seemed very sincere as he said that.

"Thank you. I appreciate that." I replied as I opened the rear door of his sedan and swung my legs out together, making sure I didn't inadvertently flash anyone while getting out of the car.

The skirt of my fire department dress uniform came to just above my knees, which was longer than most of my other skirts, but this was my first time wearing this uniform in public. The top portion, or outer blouse, was pretty much the same as the men's, just cut a little different. The shirt was similar but with a woman's cut, and the women could wear a crossover tie instead of a standard tie. The women's hat was different with the sides up tight against the cap, like a women's military bucket cap, instead of the standard uniform hat the men wore. My shoulder length hair was pinned up in a very tight bun under the hat.

A lot of women choose pants and a man's tie when they wore their dress uniform. They also wore low heeled shoes that looked pretty much identical to what the men wore. If you choose to wear the skirt you had to wear nude or natural pantyhose or stockings and black heels with a three-inch heel or lower. Currently it a was choice for the women on whether to wear the skirt or pants, and it seemed to be about a fifty-fifty split among them, or I should say us now. There was also a move to go to a common style hat.

Since I was wearing a skirt with heels, I could hear my heels clicking on the sidewalk as I moved towards my destination. This was a sound that still brought a small thrill to me and a smile, although with each step closer to where I was going the sound seemed louder. I looked down at the patent leather closed toe pumps and liked what I saw. They were weren't exactly regulation, the heel was actually three and half inches. My best feature is my legs and I knew that the taller the heel the better they looked.

The large door to the firehouse that the fire truck was parked behind was closed. It was August, so on a normal day it would usually be open in the middle of the afternoon, but today the firefighters on the inside wanted to be alone with each other and were not inviting the public in. This meant that the regular door wasn't open either and I no longer had a key to open this door. As I reached for the doorbell, a flood of memories came over me and with that several emotions, unfortunately the biggest one right now was fear.

*********************

I had first entered this door twenty-five years ago as a three-year-old boy. My mother was taking me to visit my dad, who was a firefighter. I had no idea at the time about the history of the firehouse, or its importance, I just knew it had a really cool fire truck in it and my dad was there. I would visit the firehouse a lot over the next fifteen years and fell in love with the sights, sounds, smells, and the people. It is what led me to following in my dad's footsteps and choosing to be a firefighter for a career.

As a kid I had lots of toy fire trucks to play with, I also had kid's sized firefighter costumes, my dad would give me kids tool sets, and I was encouraged to do boy things. Throughout my teen years I spent most of my time being a typical teenage boy. I played sports, hung out with other boys my age, and my dad taught me how to do boy chores.

My life was good during those times. I knew my parents loved me, we had a good home and always had food on the table. When I entered my teens though I also knew that I was different. When I saw pretty girls, I çekmeköy escort would notice more than just their looks, I saw their clothes, I saw their hair styles, I saw how they could hug each other and the closeness they shared with their moms. I knew I was envious of all of that.

I don't remember how old I was the first time I snuck into my parent's room and looked in my mother's dresser drawers. I remember, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I couldn't stop myself the first time I just touched things of hers. When I got back to my room, I swore I would never do it again. Of course, that wasn't true, and it wasn't long until I would be in there, every opportunity I got, to wear her things.

While I had a few close calls in being caught, mostly by my mom and a few times by my younger sister, I somehow never did. After I graduated high school I went off to college and for a couple years I was able to resist the urge to wear women's things. I did find, while in college, that I seemed to develop friendships with females much easier than I did males. I also knew that I envied them and the cute outfits they would wear.

I was hired by the fire department before I graduated college and, because of my father, got an assignment on one of the busiest companies in the department fresh out of the academy. At work I was known as an aggressive, brave, and very competent firefighter. This is despite being relatively smaller than most of the men I worked with at only five foot eight inches tall and 170 pounds.

I was living a different life when I wasn't at work. My salary allowed me to rent a small two-bedroom condo and for the first time I was able to buy things I wanted and not have to hide them. The things I wanted were skirts, blouses, dresses, and heels. Eventually I was adding makeup and wigs and with the help of Youtube makeup videos, I became proficient in looking like a mostly passable woman. Although at this point, I hadn't ventured out of condo.

A series of events happened over just after I turned twenty-five that completely changed my life in the course of about a year. First, my father retired from the fire department. He had worked there for thirty years and said he wanted to get out with his health still mostly intact. That allowed me to go to work for the fire company he had worked on for years. The department wouldn't allow us both to work there at the same time.

He was on the Rescue Company, the most prestigious company in the department, it was comprised of elite firemen, kind of the Navy Seals of the fire department. You had to have proven yourself to get a chance to try out to be a part of the company. I think it was my dad's proudest moment when he found out I was being asked to try out. He was even prouder when I accepted and assigned to the company.

The other, more significantly life altering event happened when my younger sister, by four years, stayed at my condo one evening after visiting and drinking too much. She slept in the tiny second bedroom and in the morning when I got up, I decided to go out and get us some fresh bagels and coffee to start the morning. She was awake when I got back, sitting on the couch and I saw strange look on her face.

"Sally, you okay? I got some bagels and coffee. There is also a Gatorade and a banana in the kitchen that might help you get going this morning. How is your head feeling?"

"Uh, thanks. You are right I am more than a little hunger over this morning." She replied quietly and seemed to be avoiding looking at me.

"Everything okay? You are acting a little strange or something sis."

"So, do you have a serious girlfriend you haven't mentioned or told me about?"

"No, I haven't dated any one longer than a few months since Andrea back in college. Why?" As soon as I said it, I figured out the why. I could see my bedroom door was open and I knew I had closed it before I had gone out.

"Um, so then, whose clothes are in your bedroom Landon?"

I am sure the shock, fear, and humiliation showed on my face, but my response was angry "Why in the fuck did you go in my room?"

"Well, first I was looking for you, then I wanted a sweatshirt or something because I was cold in my tee shirt and shorts. You didn't answer my question." The tone of her response was very neutral.

I didn't say anything and just looked down. There was no lie that would get me out of this, and I wasn't sure I could tell her the truth. I had never told anyone about this part of me and that included some women who I considered close friends. I had wanted to tell a couple of them but could never find the courage.

"Landon, are the clothes yours?"

I looked at her. She didn't seem angry. She got up and walked over to me. I noticed that she was wearing one of my fire department sweatshirts, so she was telling the truth about looking for something to make her warm. She reached her arms out and pulled me into a hug. She was only a couple inches shorter than me and we fit well together.

"No judgements, just the truth." And she hugged me tight.

The hug lasted cevizli escort for a minute and we separated.

"They are mine." I was staring down at the floor.

"Well it looks like you have good taste."

I looked up and her smile seemed genuine and I responded with a weak. "Thanks."

"Want to talk about it? Is this a new thing? Where do you wear them? Does anyone know?"

I took in a very deep breath. "No one knows, or at least until this morning no one knew. It isn't new, having my own stuff is new or at least ever since I got this condo, but wearing things has been going on for a long time."

Sally smiled at me. "So, whose clothes did you wear if having your own clothes is new? Did you wear mine?"

"Never yours. Yours would have been too small."

"Moms?"

I just nodded my eyes again looking back down at the floor.

"Oh, that had to be pretty boring. Her wardrobe is rather drab." She added a small giggle.

I smiled at that. My sister and I were never really close, mostly because of our age difference. At the same time, we never really fought either. In the past couple of years, we had gotten a little closer as we moved into adulthood.

"So where do you wear them? Just here in your condo? You have never been out?"

"No. I have never been out. I have put my hand on the door knob a few times but never made it to the other side."

"That is a shame. Some of the clothes I saw are really cute and deserve to be shown off." That was followed by another big, and what appeared to be, genuine smile.

There was silence for a few minutes as we both ate our bagels and sipped our coffee. I noticed Sally was also mixing in bites of her banana and Gatorade. I had forgotten she was nursing a significant hangover.

Sally broke the silence. "Can I see you?"

"What?" I played a little dumb.

"Can I see how you look?"

The question scared me and excited me at the same time. I honestly didn't know if I could appear in front of another person wearing my girl things while at the same time the idea of being able to show someone else thrilled me.

"Maybe, when?"

"How about tomorrow evening. I can come over and make dinner here and we can spend the evening together."

I immediately said yes. Sally smiled at me. She told me she would do all the shopping, cooking, etc. and that all I had to do was make myself look pretty. That got another smile from me. We finished our breakfast while I asked her a few questions about college and how that was going for her, she told me great.

Right after she left, I immediately went to my room to try and figure out what I would wear tomorrow. I briefly considered going all out and picking one of my cocktail dresses for me debut, but knew that was overkill. I had ruled out any pants, capris, or leggings. I didn't have a big selection of those to start with. Eventually I choose my short red pleated skater skirt, and black rolled sleeved blouse. I initially pulled out my black, over the knee, suede boots but reconsidered that and went with my black four-inch heeled pumps. I was going to wear black tights on my legs to hide my leg hair.

The whole next day moved in slow motion, I tried to sleep in a little but couldn't. I went for a long run and had a good workout. Lunch was half a sandwich because my nerves wouldn't let me eat. By two o'clock I was in my bubble bath to help get me in the mood. I started on my make up at three and was starting to get dressed at four o'clock. I had gone with a black lace thong and matching bra incase for some reason my sister would see them.

I pulled out my latest acquisitions, a pair of C cup breast forms and set them in by bra. I had spent a couple of overtime checks on them, but they were worth it. They looked real and felt almost real to me. I added my new blonde pixie cut wig to my head and when I looked in the mirror, I was happy with what I saw. I wished my hips were a little wider, but the skirt did a good job hiding that. I added a spritz of perfume and went into the living room to wait.

Finally, at five o'clock I heard a knock on my door. Normally I loved to hear my heels on the hardwood floor but as I made my way to it this time, they seemed to thunder with each step. I took a huge breath in as I opened the door and saw my sister standing there with her hands full of groceries.

Not sure how but I managed to speak first. "Come on in Sis."

She just stared at me for a few seconds. Then her eyes travelled from my head to my toes and back.

"Umm, come in before a neighbor wanders by please." I pleaded.

"Yeah, okay. Wholly fuck, I don't know what I expected, but wow." She said as she walked by me.

I shut the door behind her as she entered, and we walked into the kitchen. Again, the sound of my heels, in my mind, sounded like an artillery barrage.

She put the groceries on the counter and turned and looked at me again. "You are beautiful... sister." The word sister was as much a question as a statement.

"Really? Please be honest with me. I have worked really erenköy escort hard at this."

"Yes, really. Do you, I don't know, please understand I have a ton of questions, I want to be respectful, but I will probably mess up some. Anyways do you uh, have girl name for when you dress like this?"

"Lana." I replied without hesitation. I also realized that right this minute she might be more nervous than I was.

She moved to me and hugged me. It felt good. "It is wonderful to finally meet you Lana." Her smile was a big as I have seen as she stepped back.

That evening I pretty much gave her the history of my dressing in girl's clothing. She asked questions and with every answer I felt a little weight and burden come off my shoulders. There was no judgement in her responses, and she made it all feel normal. There was even some humor in the discussion.

"You know mom knew someone was messing with her stuff, right?" She asked me.

"Really, I was always really careful, or at least I thought I was."

"If I went and moved a couple of your things right now would you notice?"

"Probably, but I am pretty organized."

"Girls know. They just do." She smiled at me. "So, mom knew, and she blamed me. She was always accusing me of going through her stuff and yelling at me about it. Like I would want to wear any of her boring crap."

"Hey, I liked wearing that boring crap." I giggled.

"Sorry, you liked wearing it and I got yelled at about it, Bitch!" And we both laughed out loud.

On our third glass of wine we started, what would be a life altering discussion for me.

"Lana, needs to see daylight, or nightlight, you need to get out of this condo and show yourself off."

"One day." I averted looking at her as I responded.

"One day soon, soon being next weekend."

*****************

I rang the doorbell for the firehouse twice. When no answered at first, for a second, I took that as a sign and opportunity to leave. I still wasn't sure exactly why I felt I needed to be here and put myself through what I believed was going to be an unpleasant and potentially embarrassing experience. I knew a part of it was a sense of duty. Maybe another part was I felt that I had earned the right to be here and who the hell were they to deny me that right. Possibly, like the people on the other side of the door, I was grieving, and one stage of grief is anger. What was a better place to be angry, than the place that had kicked me out just for being me.

I started to push the doorbell a third time when door started to swing open and I took a deep breath. Just a head peaked around the side of it and I thought, sure that is how this would work. I looked into the eyes of Sean, the guy who had replaced me in this company. He stared at me and I saw an eyebrow raise, like he was trying to recognize me. His expression changed when he figured out who I was.

"This is only for members of the company." He finally said, his voice did not sound very sure of himself.

"Yea, current and past members. I am a past member so open the door." I replied trying to sound way more confident than I was. I was also trying to make sure the tone of my voice matched my appearance.

He stepped back a little and door opened a little more, so I reached out and pushed it open enough to let me in. He looked at me sheepishly and turned and moved away from me and headed back into the firehouse. I followed him and as we walked along side of the fire truck sitting there, I could hear loud voices and laughter. He glanced back over his shoulder, this time I felt, as much as I saw, his eyes look me up and down. When he turned his head forward, I was pretty sure I saw him subtly shaking his head in a no motion.

As we got deeper inside, I saw the back and the shoulders of a wall of blue uniforms and heard more laughter coming from out of the kitchen. I am sure it was sound of my heels on the concrete floor that caused the men closer to me to turn and look in my direction. The sound of heels in a firehouse is not very common and I don't know for a fact, but it is possible, it was the first time they had ever been heard in this one. As they turned and saw me the laughter and the talking died down around the back of the fire truck, but you could still hear the noise from the kitchen

I stopped and waited for some type of reaction. I saw the men look at me, most of them starting at my face and then looking down to my feet and back up again. In a few of the faces I saw surprise and in others I saw disdain, maybe even in one or two I saw pure hatred. Out of the corner my eye I saw movement coming from out of the kitchen and moving toward me.

"Lana, thanks for coming." And suddenly I was in the embrace of large man who wrapped me in a hug.

"I am so sorry Big Joe." I said to him while he continued to hug me.

I believe that Big Joe would have hugged me, although way more briefly, if I had shown up in the firehouse as Landon. The fact that he was hugging me as Lana made my heart warm and tears to start forming in my eyes. I know seeing this did a couple of things with the other guys that were watching. First, it made them desperately uncomfortable. Second, it made it known that I was welcome, at least while Big Joe was here. We separated and I heard a few of the men begin conversations again.